So last post explained gaining control of my lunar energy, through zealously pursuing self-regulation and respect via ritual and journaling. This entry will touch on the later, Solar heart-opening experience. This description is pulled mostly from a letter to my pen-pal C.D.
My recent banishing of the fear of being queer was accomplished at a festival, called Starwood, with the help of my gay friend N. Having ingested soma w/ bff B.K. and new gf C.G., I wandered out into the world as they focused on grounding themselves. I adopt a shaman's outlook on these processes, for it helps to remain inquisitive and positive within a carefully chosen setting. I walked down to a fire, and cuddle up with N. beyond the fire, beyond the rings of dancers and drummers. He layed his head on my chest, and the Victorian fear of queerdom and I squared off, Eyeball to cloud of smog. "I shine like the Sun, and I will not be afraid of erotically admiring hot yang energy embodied in male humans." The cloud inside me, palpable and thick in my torso, dissipated and lingered only in my extremities as I pursued the intent of the declaration. My qigong training has cleared my inner vision somewhat, so such precise and literal pictures are not so rare for me as they once were.
All of a sudden, I saw the number 666 (which in Gematria, one may deduce from the numberical values of the letters in Christ's name, and that of the Great Beast) and felt a being of light descend from above and behind me, to live in my heartspace. This was beautiful, and with that white radiance I drove out the last of smoggy fear, and hugged N. That in itself was the unabashed confrontation that I have sought for some time, the victorious uniton with the unassuaged intelligence of my heart's will. The heart mediates between the lower worlds and the higher, & I could not feel like traversing all the Heavens that I would if my Merkabah had a trunk filled with fear of the pure, unadulterated yearnings to LOVE that I have felt, towards men and women. I gave my lover a kiss, and received his to seal the deal, and then went back to the tent and slept by my lovely lady friend.