At work and at home, I have been expending some effort at coaxing my mind to stay on task and in the present. I've also brought my heart and emotions to the game at the same time, like I've been talking about in the post before last. I find that more of my attention flows towards how I am feeling. I have big ups and downs. During my highs I access spurts of energy which I automatically, creatively channel, often to have conversation or go deeper into hobbies. Whether I am processing inside or dialoguing, it comes freely and clearly and cleanly. I imagine maintaining around where the mood feels great, as the upswing is stabilizing to a plateau. Dancing around that spot without going past there. Stress could be used to keep me in the zone even as I pedal forward, providing resistance so I pulse in that levitated state. In the past, though, I have repeatedly sped up with the gushy feelings, all the short way to a point of frenziedly propelling off-course. Nose diving, my integrity and willforces would scatter and the skeletal root of my ego gets exposed. The nourishing medium for my attention seemingly evaporated, Nuit's tits run dry and a void yawns from which all sensation begets a bafflingly intense mental anguish.
Am I bipolar? From reading "Bipolar Disorder Demystified" and learning about the symptoms, it seems that I may be. Knowing about dopamine deficiencies and such is the opportunity for developing a more effective treatment regimine. Looking back, I can crow at freeing myself from a threadbare, self-fulling belief. Painfully gasping for life like a fish out of water most of the time DOES NOT buy or earn feeling fresh or groovy. I'm gunning for that without detouring to hell. "The light shineth in the darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not." Everyone has to deal with mood swings. I am and shall be tasting of this triumph! so mote it be. Zen Master Bo Mun's words are pertinent:
"There are two formal aspects to Zen practice: the killing sword and the sword that gives life. The killing sword means, how do we give ourselves to the situation? How, without repressing, do we let go of our condition, opinion, and situation and really offer ourselves to what's going on in the moment? For most of us that requires a fair amount of hard work. Sometimes it's painful and difficult. If we try to live that way all the time, only being "good" or only taking certain roles, most of us find that it doesn't work. We become brittle, irritable, out of balance. We do many things with such a charge behind them that we put ourselves in precarious situations.
The other aspect is the sword that gives life: the experience of empowering ourselves, doing things which come naturally, that we love to do and find fulfillment in. When we do too many of these things, most of us get a certain softness or flatness. There's no keen working edge to our practice. It's hard to believe in ourselves if we go too far to that side."
I like that: my mind has a cutting edge, and I ain't lettin' it slap and slash my thigh brain. I am working at a job whose results I ain't particularly attached to, and it is providing an arena for practicing with the killing sword. Turning it around and clearing my space for free loving happens at home, during play, at the beach, in altered states of consciousness...
With that, let's turn to the other topic. Lately, the structure of my future habitat is becoming clearer. Naomi's uncle Mark rented Garbage warrior, a documentary about the architect Mike Reynolds and his life's work, "earthships". Watch the vids below.
After seeing Garbage Warrior, I was wondering about homescale windmills for powering your home. This fella from Malawi, William Kamkwamba, is inspiring me. "When he was 14, he built an electricity-producing windmill from spare parts and scrap, working from rough plans he found in a library book called "Using Energy" and modifying them to fit his needs. The windmill he built powers four lights and two radios in his family home." Kudos, dude!