Sunday, May 30, 2010

recognizing the usefulness of a public face/private face dichotomy as i wander through nebulous cloudscapes

Readers: sometimes I make more polished work than this, for both of our benefits. If I come back to this and it doesn't communicate effectively the ideas that have come to roost in this mind, than I will edit it. Otherwise, the scatteredness is just where I'm at: imagining new shapes and patterns and living them with intention. Their trend is from fertile chaos towards greater coherence.


I have been wondering lately, about becoming steeped deep down towards my core, steeped in self-knowledge, vs being active in society and all that demands. I have experienced those two as contending poles, but I can anticipate this duality slackening as my wisdom and understanding deepen. Especially now that I am swinging back towards the pole of solitary pursuit, I can be my own strength as opposed to being fueled and ignited by what I sense and do on the public stage. This is the balanced middle pillar of Kaballah, and it is also the thrusting and governor's channels in the qigong that I am picking back up. I shelved it sometime in the autumn, I guess. The balance to be struck here won't be only the result of pragmatically using adderall to goose my mind into comprehending genetics homework, though that balance between school work and Beyond Coal was my challenge earlier this quarter. I must take stock of who I am and want to be now, because I've experienced so much since February that integration needs to happen so I can experience myself in fullness.

With the summer's being almost here, and so much change that it promises, I pay attention to the viscera's and subconscious promptings, training in self-knowledge even as activities would monumentally build my excitement and draw inner smile outwards. Welcoming back the light of my higher self, so the playfulness of the various daemonic energies, old and new, can work together in this cauldron of creation. O ho! To what collaborative effects I cannot yet say, besides that I am an ouroborros who regenerates faster than can be destroyed. Kan and Li in harmony. Seriously, beyond the self-affirming platitude, I have a confession. When who I was seemed painful- being alone with nothing but that shining cord at my chest, stretching into the distance but freshly severed and leaking the tears that I didn't want to shed- throwing myself into other pursuits was easy and attractive. As of most of winter quarter, and to a deliberately diminished degree this quarter. Now that I am returning to center, Gardening! Brewing! PAID UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH doing soil ecology, and the qigong practice that recommenced anew, tonight at sunset, are not escapes. They are the maze that I meditate in. I study and I learn.

The gist of this is, I am human and I'm done feeling immediate obligation to all that I love, because the love is way bigger than I. Bringing consciousness to a point to create an electromotive force to open my small circulation/microcosmic orbit demands this, and my latest notion is that it will eventually be emanated from the same source in my career work as a bioremediator so others will get a taste of the fruit of my discipline, a more genuine taste than I feel twas able to give through the following facebook post.

This one, that I just deleted from my wall; I remove it to here for the enjoyment of friends who would follow my thoughts. I intend for you to enjoy the music while you read.

"Started Bodhidharma's *Tendon Change Classic* today. Plant and Graft Division represent! It feels so amazing on all levels to be returning to Nei Dan training :)

p.s. a hug to anyone in my community, known or as yet undiscovered, who knows what I'm referring to. Would love to connect with fellow travelers if there be any in Southern Ohio or surrounding area."

Why did I delete this? I realized that I have 1,100 facebook friends, and it suddenly dawned on me that this is TMI (too much information) for that motley cast of characters. It is wonderfully specific by comparison to what could have been their varied responses and non-responses which I would in turn feel more self-conscious about than I want. I will undertake more specialized interaction with smaller, more select groups of people on this journey. Hahaha, this event of posting and unposting was the impetus for this burst of sharing.

Pulling attention inwards is not a matter of being shallow in public, or selfishly not sharing what's precious to me (I originally typed "shelfishly", haha). The costume is removed when there are meaningful, mutual exchanges taking place between I and Thou. Keepimg it vibrant and funky with inner circle, classy and true with all folks, and employing a mild and detached propriety towards those on distant wavelengths. Ahhhhhh, I feel more at peace having articulated my truth. Thank you, all and none, for receiving.


Tim Sallinger said...

"The public self grows weary of its gleam"

EvollovE said...

that intimate circle of friends is key to foster the flame we hold so dear... without that protective circle the wind might blow it out

St. John said...

Speaking of which: I'm baaack!