Tuesday, November 14, 2006

the adventures of ms burma part one

i got these in the mail a few weeks ago, and think you might enjoy it. or maybe not. i did, so there you go. and ms burma is of course not her real name.
congratulations, you're on my email list. sorry if
you didn't want to be, and you can tell me so, but i
just kind of threw everybody on there. i will remove
you if you ask me to.
and i'm in dublin.
i guess i should explain in case anyone doesn't know
that i am on this trip riding my bike cross-country
with a group of superheroes who offer their service to
those in need.
i got here yesterday morning after not really sleeping
on the plane. it was a very strange ride... i think
the person next to me was attempting to hold my hand.
he didn't sexually approach me ever, but it was a
little uncomfortable that he kept touching my hand
with his. i kept telling myself it was in my head but
at one point i fell asleep for like five minutes and
woke up with his fingers wrapped around mine. it was
so odd. i wonder if he was lonely or half-asleep and
what it was about. brrr.
so i got off the plane in the morning, and i'm sorta
lost and not knowing what to do, and then a security
guard walked up and was all HAAAY THERE LASSIE and
just chatted with me, i later ran into him outside and
he extended his ten minute break to a forty minute one
just to shoot the shit. his voice reminded me so much
of dick van dyke in mary poppins. his name was mark
gregan. i feel strange that i left the airport in a
taxi with the thought that most likely i'll never see
him again. he felt very familiar. i asked him if he
liked rap music and he started mocking it, "oi'm from
tuh strays!"
then he pointed out some blonde dude reading a
newspaper that he claimed was going to be the next
ruler of ireland, i don't remember the name anymore
but i believed him.
so yeah, wasn't sure how to put my bike together, and
i took a taxi to this house... this amazing, amazing
house where we are staying, called saor-ollscoil
naheireann, the free university of ireland, i think
that means. this building is around 250 years old,
and apparently is mentioned like twenty-five times in
the book "ulysses", when it used to be a hotel. it is
so amazing and beautiful.
i am here with ten other people, their names are love
ninja, blazing echidna, tiger lily, birchbark bob,
captain salix, fulcrum, wild wooley wonder,
believe-oh, rabbi yikes, and a newcomer whose name i
don't know. i am going by pippitawanda and pip for
we are all sleeping on the floor in one of the big
rooms upstairs, and during the day have been fixing up
this gorgeous house. most everybody has been painting
but i've been moving some stuff out of rooms and
picking up garbage. the courtyard was ankle-deep in
garbage before i got here, they told me, and it was
still pretty fucking bad today, as there is a pub next
door where they throw their cans over the fence into
the courtyard. actually people throw their cans all
over dublin period, because they just walk around
drinking. and sadly the pub next to us plays very
loud bad eighties music at night which is all we can
hear, and i have yet to walk by a pub that plays
traditional irish music rather than bad eighties
i will be eighteen in a couple of weeks and maybe i
will go find a good traditional irish pub, wooohoooo!
tomorrow we pack up our bikes, put on our capes, and
ride off to our next camping spot. i am excited even
though i will probably miss how old and grand this
house is.

i can not get over how interesting and different all
the irish accents sound. sometimes i will be talking
to somebody---including birchbark bob and captain
salix, who are german and swiss--- and i will
automatically want to repeat the way they say
something with their accent, like a parrot. sometimes
it slips out and sometimes i catch myself, and it's
not even like i'm making fun of the way they talk but
i keep IMITATING them. it's weird. and same with the
all these irish neighborhood kids are wild. i've
never seen anything like it. they say the darndest
god damn fucking things and they're rascals, oh my.
but they're just so cute and i don't know how to
handle it. i can't get over it.
like yesterday when i got here, these little boys were
just in the courtyard, i think they jumped the fence
or something, and they asked for a drink of water, and
came in and drank water, and then love ninja gave them
apples and an egg. one boy dropped the egg and it was
uncooked, and i guess he got embarrassed or something
because after asking for a second egg he threw it on
the porch and they started being really aggressive.
i just heard them throwing stuff at the porch... they
had those things that are kind of like hockeysticks
only flat like a beaver's tail... don't know what the
sport is called. and then were hitting stuff with
them too. various people kept coming out on the porch
to them. i went out to see what was going on, and
fulcrum, trying to work things out, was being
incredibly relaxed. they were throwing rocks and
pieces of trash at us, and the apples too. we just
stood there not knowing what to do and not getting
hit, and it was all very slow-moving and awkward.

and the whole point of this story is that they were
saying the nastiest things but i couldn't help but
find them so darling because of the way their voices
curved when they talked. one in particular looked up
and said "tomorrow all these windows are going to be
smashed!" and when he said it i swear i thought him
such an angel, i can't get enough of irish kids and
the way they talk.
then they ran away and smashed windows at the house
next door.

oh man, and these little girls came up today like
"will you sponsor me????" because they were getting
people to give them money for a school fundraiser or
whatever. they were crazy as hell!!! i explained
that i was very poor and really didn't have money to
spare but they were all "oh but its only two euros"
and they all lean into you really close in a really
invasive way and have really pretty eyes, so i was
like, ill be right back and went and got two euros.
then tiger lily walked up and they flooded the space
around her, all three of them, chanting will you
sponsor me in unison. she explained we were poor and
they wouldnt listen, then she announced i was the
representative for all of us. but they STILL hit up
all the other superheroes because they were just
chilling on the porch with me, they knew there would
be more dimwits to hit up.
and sure enough they got six more euros, after being
explained to many times that we were just poor
and then captain salix was like, "you know what? i
dont have money for you. but i like your sprinkles."
meaning her freckles. and she scowled at him, and
then she said "oh you're so cruel!" in the most
hilarious cute way, and finally they got kicked out
and we all breathed a sigh of relief.
oh and another weird thing about little irish girls is
they claim their names are the names of female
american singers, such as "beyonce", "shakira", and
"britney spears". or wait, i guess somebody claimed
she was britney spears' sister. i dunno. but they're
really weird. and cute.

okay enough for now.

"ms burma"

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